This one is for M.
M, my dear friend who will soon be married. Well, soon – as in November. And since I’m not sure how or where I will be post June – I decided to write this down now.
M knew for a while now that this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But it took a while for things to fall into place, for wheels to be set in motion and for God to put all the pieces into the right places. And she went through many moments of sadness, of utter despair, of questions with no answers, moments when she constantly asked ‘why’ or ’why me’, moments when she decided to put everything behind her and move forward only to be wrenched back. And yet M stood strong. And today when things are going her way, M has her characteristic smile back on her face.
And it is such a pleasure to see M revel in the first flush of love. The way she describes her to-be. Her protectiveness about his kinks. The way she gloats about his achievements. The detail with which she describes some girls checking out ‘my man’ – as she puts in. The giggle with which she relates their first joint purchase. And when I rag her or tease her about buying some kinky stuff – I can almost see her blush.
Which is when it struck me – I’m never going to feel all this again. I’ve been through this – sure, but its gone. Past. Kaput. Finished. I’m never, ever gonna glow in the first blush of love. Never, Ever Again.
When I was last asked to describe hubby, I told the receptionist – look out for a short, stout guy. She later told me – you forgot to mention his cute smile. Guess I did.
My sis-in-law or mom-in-law has to just begin to complain about hubby, and I will gleefully add onto the list of kinks he has. And will accept full sympathy from anyone who wishes to commiserate with me.
When hubby begins to tell me for the nth time how he struggled to get where he is today – all I do is roll my eyes.
When I find some waitress flirting with hubby, I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head and move on.
And I don’t really remember the first thing we purchased together. Or our first fight (Good God – there have been so many – how can a human remember them?). Ok , I do remember the first time we met or the first time he took me out.
And kinky stuff? Who would want to see this beached whale in anything kinky???? And which whale buys kinky stuff for herself?
You see my point? I’m beyond all this. Love has happened and happened long ago. I’m never going to be a giggly newly-wed again. I’m never going to wonder – what the first kiss will be like? The bedroom has long since been associated purely with sleep and sleep alone. And there is a gate-crasher who sleeps between us. We rarely buy things on the impulse. Everything is a well thought of decision. When my eyes seek him out across a crowded room – its merely to gesture ‘could you handle this kid of yours? He’s driving me nuts.’ Its been 3 years since we’ve gone out – just by ourselves. And even when we do – we end up talking about sonny. No more do we have huge fights. Mostly because we don’t wanna scare sonny. So there is no major making up happening.
And this pregnancy – its all been there, done that.
Of course I’m with the man I love. I’ve borne him 2 kids. But life somehow has changed lanes and I’m never gonna get onto that highway again. I’m driving in a service road that says 40kmph and I am looking at all those snazzy cars racing away at 100kmph. And I’m thinking – I used to be that Porsche once. How did I become this Toyota??
And I realize – I have worked towards getting to be this Toyota. It has taken months, weeks, years to getting to this place where life is stable. Where I don’t need to wonder – what hubby’ll think about something. I already know the answer. I know what he will like and what he is bound to dislike. After a point of time, our likes and dislikes have merged – so its easy making the choice. Where the thrill has been replaced by a sense of knowledge. Where the throb is now called a pulse. Where mere physical intimacy alone is not the thing that binds us together. We have a lot lot more that holds us together. Where he just has to say ‘hey you remember when…..’ and he need not complete the sentence, I know what incident he’s referring to. Where love is not the rush I feel when I see him or think about him, it’s the constant hum that stays with me. Where wonder is replaced by knowledge.
And so my dear M – I am putting down my twinge of envy to pregnancy hormones (see I don’t have monthly periods – so preggie hormones are the next best bet to put blame on). And I am hoping and praying that you and AB too – someday will get onto this service road and chug along at 40kmph.