Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Is it me?

I would call myself a rational person. I am not easily given in to tears, in public. I can remember sobbing out only in a couple of movies. I have spent 6 years in advertising and have known how not to crack under pressure. I have seen my share of bad clients (and good ones too – thank God). Public display of emotion was a rare occurrence.

However, I have noticed over the past few months, any child or mother-child incident makes me dissolve very easily into tears.

Let me quote a few examples. Hubby, sonny and I were shopping at JC Penny. In the section ahead, we heard a mother calling out to her son. Turned out the child had wandered off while the mother was busy shopping. And now he was not to be found. Suddenly another lady appeared, described a child and asked the mother if it matched her child’s description. The mother, almost close to tears, nodded. The lady now directed her towards a cash counter where she had last seen the child. The mother raced towards the said spot and found her son howling away. Maa-beta milaap (mother-son union) happened – and all on-lookers were pleased to see such a happy end.

Not me. While the mother and son hugged and sobbed – I just couldn’t control my tears. Right there in front of so many shoppers – I sat down and sobbed. Hubby tried his level best – to tell me – “your son is safe and sound, right here with you” made no difference. Even “fine, go buy what you please, money is of no object” couldn’t stop the tears. For the next 5 mins – I sobbed like my own had gone missing. After 5 mins the storm had passed, I turned to hubby and said “is my eye-liner smudged?”

I know, it sounds funny now. But then, I don’t know – what happened – I just couldn’t stop crying.

And that’s not the only instance. I was watching “Saa Re Ga Ma Pa” on Zee TV – the “Lil Champs” version. The first few episodes were devoted to showing the initial eliminations. Kids who hadn’t made it through – were coming out and crying. And there I was – tears streaming down my face, sobbing away. I must’ve been quite a sight – for my son came running and decided to hug me. These were unknown, random kids, crying coz they couldn’t make it to some competition. Why the hell was I crying???

And its not just that. Any movie, any serial, any news report – where they show a child in pain – or a mother-child making brave efforts to survive is difficult for me to watch. I squirm in my seat – or move away – not wanting to watch.

The final straw came today. In one of serials that I follow – the protagonist Vedika dies of a heart attack. She has a toddler and wants to see her son one last time before she breathes her last. And I just couldn’t stop the lump in my throat or the tears pricking my eyes. What the hell, I thought, is wrong with me? It’s a silly serial.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Am I so heavily charged with “mommy hormones” that I have to let loose “ganga-jamuna” at every random child incident. Am I becoming my mom (o she cries at movies – and in real life – pretty easily)? Is it a that-time-of-the month-incident-pattern? Or is it just years of holding back emotions – now they’re coming toppling out? I mean I can understand crying when your child is hurt or is crying. But some completely unknown child? Or worse – a make-believe serial?

I know for a fact that since I’ve had my son – I have given a serious thought to – what will happen if I die? Who will take care of my son? And the only regret I can think of – is not being able to see my son grow up – go to school – have his first crush…… the works. It has made me more aware of my mortality. More serious about the decisions I make. More careful about the things I do – even lame ones like crossing the street.

But become more teary…this one I didn’t anticipate.

Has this happened with the other moms too? Has motherhood made us more vulnerable? Or just, more given to emotions? Is it a phase – just the ways kids have ‘stranger anxiety’? Or is it like my hubby puts it “such a good hubby – takes so much care of you – you have no reason to cry otherwise – so your mind is hunting for reasons to cry”. Is it a mark of motherhood?

Does it happen to others? Or is it just me?


At 1:25 AM, Blogger cardamom said...

yep it does happen to us !! When life is all too mushy mushy and evrything is going on smoothly we Mortal humans tend to get iffy..
What if its all a fad??
what if it won't last for long..??
what if ....

You have a loving hubby, a sweet kid Life's been gud then u think what if...
Life 'll be over in a jiffy, so don't get iffy ..hehe :)..
I am a youngster so i have no right to make sense..but still i spoke what i felt after reading your touching post!!

At 2:02 AM, Anonymous rooma said...

Very touching STS!!!!!! Well I am not a mother as yet, but I could relate to whatever you said..... I can have tears down my cheeks at all those things mentioned by you!!! I guess its just the emotional nature of a person..... Don't worry... you will have plenty in your bandwagon ...... now smiiiiiiiiiiillee!!!!! :D

At 10:42 AM, Blogger iz said...

Guess you're just a loving, warm mommy any kid would be lucky to have.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger @ said...

you hit the nail on the head!!!
ok, first, thanks for the laughs..sorry, couldnt help laughing at the sight of you sobbing at JCP when nothing was wrong.

second, motherhood does make you feel more vulnerable. who was it that said, when you become a mother, you have a piece of your heart walking outside of you?! one of the biggest changes in me is I have become more fearful -I am afraid of the dark, of driving alone at night, taking wrong turns - things I used to do all the yea, I agree with your sentiments..

btw, your post reminded me of a Everybody Loves Raymond episode when Debra takes a day off to just 'cry' - for no reason, other than to get the tears out! seen that one?

At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Vi said...

Aww, I think that's very sweet, actually..

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Sanjay said...

I can't talk about the motherhood part, but it maybe all that don't have to hold back anymore coming right at ya lots to make up and all that.

It's a funny post liked it, and thanks for stopping by.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Orchid said...

OMG!!! this should have been my post. No, seriously! It's definitely a motherhood see the world differently, you see yourself differently and you even see your hubby differently ( i have started blaming him for lacking compassion and being so heartless, while it's just me gone all mushy!!)..bottomline, you are never going to be the same again!
is there anything you can do about it ? how about you have another kid so you have no time at all for emotional distractions..ha! ha! jus' kiddingbbb

At 11:47 PM, Blogger artnavy said...

Well i was like this the first few months after Anush but just being quiet and watching her sleep or try hard to do something was enough to set me off

Never triggered by outside stimuli though

I made a conscious effort to try not to cry and be optimistic and thankful for all the good things that I have been blessed with and await

If i may add-
Anytime u feel like crying think and focus on ONE incident/ anecdote that made you inconsolably HAPPY

READ books/ WATCH movies that uplift you.

Anyway it must be just a phase- it will pass.

At 1:17 AM, Blogger Fuzzylogic said...

I can so relate to this.I was in a similar state few months ago after I had my baby.I used to cry at the drop of a hat even watching any ad regarding a child and don't even mention the baby shows.I guess its only when you have a child that we realise what it means to be a mother and somehow that changes everything.You are so normal!:)

At 4:11 AM, Blogger itchingtowrite said...

happens to me. i identify with the lil champs think. one starts thinking abt how it wud be if it happens to ur child or youself and therefore starts crying i think. well it means 1 thing. we are humans who care for others and can empathise with pain that others bear

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Shreemoyee said...

I sometimes weep irrationally at happy scenes and sit stone faces through sad ones.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger Sugarlips said...

Eye liner thing was funny :)
I also cried on "Sa Re Ga Ma Pa" & these serials will turn me into a lunatic. Bloghopping through Sanjay.
Had fun time reading ur post :)

Stay Beautiful...!!

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Something to Say said...

cardamom: welcome aboard! "I am a youngster so I have no right to make sense" woah! and you still made sense :)

rooma: thanks rooma - so I now I have company :) of my fellow bloggers that too :)

iz: Oooo the day is not far - when he's going to stare when I sob like that - like I am some specimen (history will repeat itself - I can feel it in my bones!!)

At 11:17 PM, Blogger Something to Say said...

@: hey do you remember that episode - when debra is wild with raymond and yelling at him(and raymond as usual thinks its that time of the month) - and then deb's friend calls - and deb is all sugar and sweet with her friend. Raymonds remark to that one is classic "U should have her on speed dial" - yeah that too happens a lot at my place:)

vi: thanks so much vi!

Sanjay: Thanks for stopping by here too :)

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Something to Say said...

orchid: Me hubby says that too - when I complain about sonny - that I ought to have another kid - then I will have no strength or will left to complain :)

art: I am sooo hoping its a phase. You know immediately post sonny - I didnt go thru this intense highs and lows phase - maybe its just a delayed post partum effect :) way too delayed....

fuzzylogic: You are right. Motherhood so changes everything. And so completely. And Thanks for stopping by :)

At 11:27 PM, Blogger Something to Say said...

Itchy: You know - now I wonder - If now I feel for humanity - what kind of a monster was I before this? scary thought!!

Shreemoyee: Funny things these movies - you never know what buttons they will push...

Suagrlips: Hey welcome! Glad to know - many like me abound!!

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Hip Grandma said...

I don’t think motherhood makes one vulnerable. It just makes us more concerned. But my advice would be to take it easy. Too much of emotional involvement may be counter productive. I was emotional before marriage and children and continued to be so for a long time. Now I realize that I need to let go in their interest as well as mine.

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Alan said...

As an outside observer, it does seem to be a mommy thing. My wife would tear up at the sentimental McDonald's commercials featuring moms and kids.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger White Forest said...

yes defly. there are few things towards which we are emotional..however rational we think we are!

At 5:55 AM, Blogger Usha said...

I dont know if it is amotherhood thing because i have always been like this when it comes to kids - just can't see them in the slightest pain.
Very nice post.

At 2:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe becoming a mother opens up a floodgate of sorts. emotions, hormones, whatever. which lead to the rather deep-hitting repercussions through seemingly innocuous events?

considering everyone here who has had a kid concurs on this point - i'd say its biological for sure. i mean, i can't imagine my ex going all emo over some kids in an ad or similar hehe.


At 10:18 AM, Blogger the mad momma said...

oh its motherhood alright. i woudl have howled like mad if i saw it.


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